16th May 2013 – 20.03GMT
The Vatican has, today, pronounced that new Jesuit Pope Francis is the new Messiah.
Unknown to many christians around the world (all who preach that they read their bibles conscientiously), one of Christ’s teachings spoke about usury, and Christ, himself, up-ended the moneychangers’ tables in the Temple due to their usury. Yet many christians cannot even tell you what usury is! They have never heard of the word.
Now, however, due to Pope Francis’ spiritual intervention using the CERN laboratory in Geneva Switzerland, the banker’s satanic reign has finally ended. According to unnamed sources in the vatican bank (now isn’t that somewhat ironic?) the Pope gave a special “mass” at the laboratory where he proceeded to turn the “mass” of the Higgs Boson particle (known as the “God particle”) into the wrath of god energy. A different kind of mass then!
The words Pope Francis is reported to have used during the mass were reported by undisclosed Cardinals of the Benedictine order and were said to include words such as “Rothschild”, “Zionist”, “Cunt” not necessarily in that order but in what we are told to be the latin insults to Satan!
A sensational result of the Pope’s actions is the disappearance of 5 Bank of International Settlements Bankers through a black hole in the “Chinatown” district of Geneva. This is interesting in itself because most Swiss were not even aware that there was such a district. Unconfirmed reports refer to the bankers having been attempting to flee the city with the World’s global debt of over $40Trillion which they had downloaded onto a thumb drive including nude photos of the Pope with a number of well known Argentinian child celebrities. Once Pope Michael uttered the wording within his mass however, the God Particle transmutated into pure energy centred on the car’s GPS coordinates and created a black hole. People close to the scene said they heard the screams of one banker – reportedly, Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs – an eye witness stating he heard “I was only doing God’s work”. It would seem God didn’t agree with him!
The Vatican has now made a statement, reportedly, saying that the world’s debt has now been extinguished.
Beijing, however, have reported a similar black hole opening up underneath the Chinese Central Bank and they’ve found a thumb drive closely resembling that lost in the Geneva black hole.
Pope Francis has been unavailable for comment. Some anonymous sources within the Jesuit order have stated that the Black Pope is furious with the Pontiff since, it would seem, the second appearance of a black hole in Beijing should have manifested itself under the Vatican bank. It is considered by other unknown, anonymous and undisclosed (just to make that point certain) sources that Pope Francis purposefully chanted the Beijing coordinates in the hope that he could have his nude pictures as far away from Rome as possible. Realising, however, that the thumb drive turned up in Beijing, it is most likely that the Pontiff is now in hiding, possibly alongside Osama Bin Laden.
Pope Benedict refused to comment but simply smiled in that off-putting Emperor way he does and told our reporter he got in touch with Mike Montagne, original author of Mathematically Perfected Economy. Banker beware…